I'm done

So of course I took a test this morning, it's only 2 dats early but I could not wait anymore.
OF course the test was negative, so I took another one, negative again. I will test on Thursday but I doubt it's going to change. honestly I feel like I want to curl up in a ball and cry my eyes out. I thought this was it, this was the time.
I felt sick like I was going to vomit, how could this happen for the 3rd time!!! Am I being punished?? What the fuck did we ever do to not deserve this as much as there girl poppin out kids she can;t take care of!!!
I am so angry! But of course life goes on so I have to sit here at work with all of these people who pretend to understand who could never understand what I feel. I just want to crawl in a whole and get out of this office. Thank god i only have an hour and a half left.
It's taking all I have not to burst into tears.
Well this was it, no more chances, no more money to try again. My days of baby making are over and i am heartbroken.

Dying!

This 2WW sucks ass!! I am so tired of waiting and I want to test so bad but I know I can't!!
So I took my temp today and it is 78.1 it's usually around 77 so I thought it was weird , does the fertility meds and progesterone make your temp go up?

Grr

So my insemination was 08/14/08 . Now I am in the dreaded 2WW, and on prometrium, which sucks becuase you are leaking all freakin night!!
I am again still hopeful that this time will work, I only ended up with 1 follicle so I was actually pretty upset i didnt need to pay 2 grand for 1 follicle when I can do that on my own!!! I am just upset with the whole Dr office right now!!
Anyway I would love to talk to anyone on the same cycle or close, have some support in this 2WW!

Doctors and ultrasounds oh my!

So I went for my appointment to check my follies and see how they were progressing with the Follistim. Turns out the little ladies are still small as ever and my Estradiol level was only at 47 and it needs to be at 200!! So obviously they up'd the dose to double what it was before so now it is 150 a day. This went on for 5 days and now I go back to the Dr. tomorrow afternoon. Oh yea and I had 5 follies total, there were 3 super small and 2 that were a bit bigger so I think by the time we inseminate there will only be 2 mature ones. I hope the others catch up because I want more targets for our sperm!! I know the change of multiples is higher but honestly we would welcome that.
So I had an idea while I was in the Dr patiently awaiting the end of the day rush for my turn. They need a fertility friend board!! So it can list all the people who want a fertility friend in the area! I think its a fabulous idea! LOL
I know I wish I had someone close to me that could share our journeys together as far as talking through emails or whatever it may be. I feel very alone lately in this process and no one seems to understand. My friends all try to help but they are so clueless to this process that it's not very comforting unfortunately.
I had a friend tell me oh don't stress if it happens it does if not you are still young! It doesnt work like that you know people don't see it from the eyes of the one trying to get pregnant!
I really hope it happens this time!! I have been praying constantly and hoping for the best, I can't even think about the worst right now becuase I don't know what I will do :(

Im Baaacckk and ready for some baby makin!

Well I had to take a small break from all of this baby making to refocus myself and figure out what I needed. And now we are back in action. It's try number 3!! This time we have moved to the Follistim, so I am ijecting myself every morning, with this crazy little egg makin drug.
We are on day 5 of the injections and I have my appointment on Thursday afternoon to check my follicles. I am nervous because we have decided this will be our last clinical try due to the costs. We have spent alot already and this last time we can't really afford but we figured the 3rd time is a charm!! So I am hoping all goes well and I don't go into the hyper ovul syndrome.
I feel like crap on these meds for the most part, or it could be nerves or stress. I am trying to stay stress free and positive :) I have felt very nauseas!!
The follistim pen is a neat little invention the only problem i have is its kind of hard to actually push the medicine in.
Well I would love to interact with anyone who is maybe going through the same thing as us. Feel free to email me :) michelbooker@sbcglobal.net

Going insane oh insane

Well oh well where to begin! Vegas was an absolute blast, there was some drama that I could have gone without though. I think anytime you get a bunch of lesbians and 3 gay guys together someone is going to have some drama. The night life there is amazingly fun! WE saw Zumanity which was really exciting!!! The sad part was all the money that dwindled away from my wallet.

The best part about this trip was getting my mind off of all the baby stuff, I mean I was so stressed out before we left, and probably more sad than anything. I feel like how can you want something so much and see it slip away with each negative test. I feel like not only am I stressed about the baby but it is affecting my partner and I. We are both so exhausted after only 2 trys that we are so snappy with eachother and fight about every little thing.

We are going to maybe try this month but looking at our finances now we are not sure if we should wait for another month or even few months or just try this time and if the injectables don't work then take a long break to get ourselves together.
I just fele so anxious right now, blogging usually helps but not so much right now. I have a huge knot in my stomach and I am not sure why :/

The Sad Truth

Well we got another negative test, I feel so beaten down by this entire thing. We are taking this month off because we are going to Vegas and know we wouldn't be able to go to Dr. Appointments. We are actually switching to injectables in June, so if anyone is at all familiar wih them please enlighten me, I am pretty clueless. It will increase our chances though by a small margin, so that's always good.

On another note my transfer went through, only problem I am having now is not walking out before my last day. I despise my job. With all of this going on plus baby stuff and all the other life stuff I am stressed to the max, hopefully Vegas will help me :)

Does anyone know how to find other lesbians TTC in this area?

Grrrr

So I couldn't be any more frustrated today! Not only I am going through this 2ww, i am having some major problems at work. Ok first off my boss is a complete douche bag who is never there, who lies, and who sexually harrases little girls, actually all girls for that matter!!!!! So here lies my dilemma, i wrote my district manager an email that I neded to talk to him I basically was going to tell him about everything that has happened at my job and everything my manager has done. But all of a sudden I get a freakin consious and I feel sort of bad. mind you I think he is freaking creep but I still feel bad.

I want to transfer to another store ASAP, my store has so much dramam and not enough work! Ok Starbucks is supposed to be super friendly and the third place blah blah blah, come into our store and we treat ya like shit! Everyone who has been working there has been there for quite some time so they are set in their ways, can't teach an old dog new tricks ect. No one there wants to do their job and for me to get them to I have to ask them fifty million times!!! Meanwhile my boss is skirt chasing and stalking his wife all day.

Not only is all that a problem it is the fact that I work my ass off to make this amns life easier and I get shit on for doing it. A girl can't get a simple thank you!!! Meanwhile this fuck face is getting paid triple what I am and I am doing all of his grunt work. I wish this store coulsd be just like other stores, friendly, come in to get a job done, and treat eachother with respect!!!! No one has respect there for anyone!

An example of this would be my co worker Bunny, the freakin dude has been there for like 10 f'ing years and is still a barista, he has no desire to move up, to eduacate himself, to become an actual working man. He works like 20 hrs a week, lives with his parents, and dates a ton of random women who are all under the age of 20. Sooo my point here is he actually took a big old water bug like the ones you find outside and put it in another co workers drink, the poor guy drinks the drink, finds the g'damn bug and gets so pissed! I would have punched Bunny in his freaking face!! So I am disgusted he actually did this and I tell my manager, what does my manager do? he LAUGHS!!! To me that is just wrong on every level!!!!

Basically if you are catching my drift I hate my freaking job!!! No joke I am about to blow up on someone!!! All the while I am trying to relax and not be stressed cause were trying to have a baby!!! I need out of my store and tranfered to a new one before I seriously flip!!!

Does prometrium make you moody? LOL AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

It's done

So today was the insemination at 10:30 A.M. It actually went really well, it didn't hurt as much as last time and there was barely any bleeding as opposed to last time there was alot more. Afterwards we went to Acapolco to eat lunch and I had the best fajitas ever!!! heheh. I have been dieting and exercising everyday until today where I ate bad, and wanted to take it easy until tomorrow, so I did light exercise today.

Anywho besides that everything is great, we just really want this to work this time. It's so hard to get excited because I don't want to jinx myself, I know it sounds insane but I don't wanna be heartbroken. I just want this so bad, and wish I had people nearby for support :(

Second Round here we come :)

Well yesterday was the first day of Clomid, which they upped to 150 mil rather than 100 mil. I am hopeful this time , the same as last, but I can't help but feel sad after reading many other blogs of lots AND lots of trying. I want this more than anything I have ever wanted, and to be let down again is really hard especially after all the stress I am already going throughwith work. I feel scared to be positive because I think the let down will be harder that way :(

A big fat Negative staring at me

Sooo what a crazy two weeks it has been and oh what alot of pregnancy tests. I am a woman who likes to know everything, so 2 weeks wasn't possible. I think I averaged 7 tests in that time hoping I would get a positive eventually, but no, nothing changed, just one lonely line.

I am feeling exhausted mentally by all of this. I also feel physically exhausted, from doing all of this and working and taking care of the house as well as our other son and dog! Wooo that was alot to say :)

so we are going to wait until i see AF yet again and try our 2nd insemination the same exact way as this last time. I had a friend tell me I should use egg whites before the insemination and put them in well you know where. Sounds crazy to me but I am getting alot of crazy advice. what is nice is all the support I am getting from the ladies at work, they all want this for me so bad, it's really sweet.

Anyway if there are any couples out there in blog land who would like to share their experiences with me please do. :)

Maybe Baby?

So yesterday at approximately 9:30 a.m. we had our insemination! It wasn't what I expected really. While in the waiting room we sent my BFF and our son to get Starbucks and they waited in the car for the remainder of the time and played games. I was very nervous at first, and well D not really nervous at all. The entire time she was being so so loving, she was kissing me, hugging me, and telling me how much she loved me. It was really special. When they lady came in I let her know it was my first time with an IUI, and she encouraged me not to worry.

I think the scariest part was the look of the catheter, and in the end it didn't even really hurt. She said our sperm count was 100 million, and the motility was 79 %, she said those were pretty good numbers, and that our chances of conception were good, we had numbers on our side, as well as age, and health, which was good to know. So after the lay down period we got into the car and of course I decided to put my legs way up again ni the truck, I do know there is no clinical data showing that anything more than 15 min helps but it made me feel better so I did it.

Now what I am struggling most with is the 2WW! Who can wait 2 whole weeks when you want something so bad!! I prayed last night, hoping that God will hear me and help us. All of our friends say they can't think of anyone who deserves it more, but in my eyes there are people. I look at every little flaw and think that could be the reason why it doesn't happen. I need to stay positive.

We are having tons of problems with D's mother accepting this, she is livid that the baby will not be biologically part of their family and cannot see past it. Most people would love a baby regardless of bio or not but her she is a bit on the crazy side!! It's really heartbreaking for D and makes me feel like shit, that my mother in law wants no part of our lives as long as there's gay involved. :(

And we are off!

So we are getting ready to leave for our IUI! I couldn't sleep last night at all, i am not nervous I am just really excited and hopeful. I hope it all goes well, I must admit I am a little bit nervous of the catheter :(
Well wish me luck and babies!!!

The big day!

So I am on day 15 of my cycle today, and tomorrow is the big day! Our appointment is at 9 A.M. We couldn’t be happier, or more hopeful than we are right now. I took Clomid day 5 through 9 of my cycle, 100 milligrams a day, and boy was that an experience! I felt like I could explode at any minute and it was mainly on my partner! Ha, she hated it!
I feel so much better at this phase of the process because at first I felt so incredibily lost and without anyone to guide us in the right direction. We live in such a small town that there aren’t alot of people who have experienced the same thing. Once we found a Dr. who was willing to work with lesbians trying to conceive, the processs seemed a little easier since we had someone to answer all of our questions.
The Dr. is about an hour away, but the staff there is so great! They have helped us so much and are always so supportive. Yesterday we had our first ultrasound to check my follicle, I had a really good one on the left side and none on the right. The left side was at 26 if I remember correctly. So they told us to inject the ovidril at exactly 7:30 p.m. last night and so we did!
I was very apprehensive since D hates needles, and I could never give myself a shot. The best part was having my best friend there too, she took pictures and did whatever we needed, and it felt so great having her there since she means so much to myself and my family. I really wouldn’t have wanted it any other way. So D got up the courage and made sure she wasn’t going to pass out and gave me the shot about an inch beneath my belly button.
The shot didn’t hurt at all really, just a little stinging! I’ll tell you what did hurt is the ultrasound they did earlier that day!! It felt like they pushed my ovary into a place it wasn’t supposed to go! Ok anyway, this morning I took an OPK and there was no LH surge so I don’t know if it is the ovidrel or the clomid or maybe it was a short LH surge? I am going to call my Dr. and ask today.
So cross your fingers everyone for tomorrow!!!! Look at D’s expression in these pics, it is really pretty funny! :)

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